


I Am A Rock

by ladyamesindy



Series: Commander Sian Shepard [7]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-27
Updated: 2015-02-27
Packaged: 2018-03-15 12:42:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3447617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyamesindy/pseuds/ladyamesindy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Collectors might be the reason for their presence, but it isn't a Collector Commander Sian Shepard finds on Horizon when she and her team arrive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Am A Rock

**Author's Note:**

> From the very beginning of the concept of Sian Shepard’s story, I knew that she and Ashley would meet on Horizon. Just as I knew that there was one song that would fit them both for this encounter: “I Am A Rock,” by Simon and Garfunkel. This song has helped me through many a rough moment in my life, some more recent than others. It is also a perfect fit for what I see as Ashley and Sian’s reactions to their reunion.

_I am a rock …._

“Chief.  Report.”

Ashley straightened, her back to the Presidium as she faced the councilor and gave him a sitrep of events at Horizon.  But at the same time, she felt … apart.  Detached.  Empty.  Her reunion with the woman who was all but a blood sister to her had gone nothing like it might have.   _Should_ have.  And now ….

_Now, Maddy, m’dear._

Ashley bit the inside of her cheek to keep from flinching or making a sound of any kind.  The last thing she needed right now was a mental lecture from her father.  With time and distance, she knew she would figure a way to sort things out, but until then ….

_I am a rock …._

The last words of her report echoing throughout the office, Ashley took a deep breath and latched onto the song lyrics that had been sustaining her since the encounter.  Not her usual source for comfort or guidance, but she wasn’t going to quibble over semantics right now.  Lyrics were just poetry set to music, right?  At least, that’s what Sian had once told her when they were younger.

_I have my books and my poetry to protect me …._

Anderson moved around the desk to stand before her.  Somehow, Ashley found a way to remain ramrod straight, eyes focused straight ahead, breathing held steady.  No outward sign of weakness or distress.  Nothing to indicate the personal hell she was going through in this moment because of the mission.   _The mission comes first._  Her grandmother, father, even Sian had told her that over the years.  The mission always came first.  At least no one could fault her on that front this time.

 

~ 0 ~

 

_Pain, unimaginable in depth, but present nonetheless.  Ash had never seen Sian so pale; and for a woman whose complexion was near blinding peaches and cream to begin with, that was saying something._

_“Ash ….”_

_“No,” Ashley countered quickly, anger warring with desperation in that moment.  If she gave Sian a chance to talk, she would find a way to use it against Ashley.  To try to wedge her way inside and turn her.  And Ashley, despite her love for the woman standing before her, knew she could not allow that.  “You of all people should understand, Shepard.”_

_“I do, Ash,” Sian insisted.  “Why do you think I’m offering?”_

_Ashley snorted softly, a sneer pulling at her lips.  “Why indeed?” she demanded.  “You are nothing but a ghost - one with ties to the enemy -”_

_Ash saw Sian flinch, just the slightest tic at the corner of her eye followed by a tightening at her lips.  “See?  Even you can’t deny -”_

_“Dammit, Ash, the mission has to come first!” Sian growled.  “Something HAS to be done about the Collectors!”_

_“But Cerberus?” Ashley countered.  “Shepard, don’t tell me you’ve forgotten what they did!”_

_“She hasn’t forgotten, Ashley, and neither have I.”_

_The voice of calm.  Of reason.  Maddeningly so at times.  It took her a moment to locate him, but he helped by moving out from behind a stack of nearby crates.  Her breath caught.  Pain slicing through her chest.  Again.  Another ghost … another past._

_For a half second, Ashley wondered if she was hallucinating the entire encounter.  She knew both Sian and Kaidan to be dead.  Long gone and if not quite buried, at least mourned.  There was no way …  She shook her head sharply, growling angrily for entertaining ideas along those lines.  After all, the last truly clear thing she recalled was being stung by one of those probe-like flying insect things like the other colonists.  It had to be some sort of side effect to whatever drug the probes had used on her.  Right?_

_“Kaidan ....”_

_To her left, Ashley caught Sian taking a step towards her, but the Chief moved quickly to keep the space differential between them._

_“Ashley Madeleine, stop being so stubborn!  What you are seeing is true.  We are both alive.”_

_“And with Cerberus,” Ashley spat out.  It was all she could manage just then._

_“Cerberus is not the -”_

_“Stop it, Sian!”  It was all Ash could do not to raise her voice and yell in frustration and anger and confusion.  “I don’t know what Cerberus has done to brainwash you, but if you’re with them, you are now with the enemy.  THAT much I know.”_

_“Cerberus is trying to stop the Collectors!” Sian insisted._

_Ashley caught and held Sian’s gaze for a long moment before bringing her arm up, slicing it down in a harsh movement, clearly ending the discussion.  “You know as well as I do that Cerberus is the enemy,” she reiterated.  “I can’t - I WON’T be a part of that!  And to be honest, I don’t see how you could, either.  The Sian Shepard I once knew would NEVER have done such a thing!  If you ARE the real Sian Shepard, then I don’t know who the hell you have become.”_

_Spinning on her heel, Ash was halfway across the compound when she heard Sian call out, “The mission has to come first!”_

 

~ 0 ~

 

“... Earth.”

Ashley blinked twice, her eyes focusing on the councilor as she settled back into the present.  “Sir?”

Anderson handed over a datapad.  “New orders,” he explained.  “Command has concerns regarding this encounter with the Collectors.  You are temporarily being assigned to HQ in Vancouver until they have all the answers they are looking for.”

“Yes, sir.”  Ashley quickly read through the information.  It wasn’t specifically stated, but she could read through the lines well enough.  They wanted to pick her brains about  the Collectors, sure, but she also suspected there would be plenty of questions about the presence of Shepard on the colony.  Of Cerberus’ influence on their former protegé.  Of how and why the Savior of the Citadel could be alive after going down with her ship.  The confirmation that she would be promoted at the end of it all almost made it worth the inevitable pain to get there.  

_A rock feels no pain …._

 

~ 0 ~

 

_… I am an iiiiiiiiisland …._

The words warbled awkwardly along with the music, but Sian paid that small detail no  mind.  They were appropriate, that was all that mattered.  

Her entire life since the age of sixteen, she had been an island.  It hadn’t been by choice, but rather circumstance.  For a while, she had begun to hope.  Hope that the Williams family might lessen that feeling.  Oh, Sian hadn’t been naive enough to think the Williams’ would replace her parents and brother, and to their credit, both Mr. and Mrs. Williams had assured her they would not even attempt to do such a thing.  But after the years spent together, the ties that had developed between them, Sian had thought, just perhaps, it would be enough ….

But events on Horizon had proved beyond a doubt that, like before, Sian was indeed alone.  Which was fine, the logical, pragmatic side of her reasoned.  She’d done it before, she could do it again.  With or without family, she would always be an island ….

The whoosh of her cabin door opening alerted Sian that she was no longer alone, but her concern was minimal.  Only one person aboard the ship had permission to enter without prior request.  The only other person in the galaxy who could possibly have the same sort of effect on her as the Williams and her own family had.

_.... I am shielded in my armor  …._

Her lips framed the words, notes warbling slightly off key as they released.  Behind them, booted steps rang out in time to the rhythm of the song while crossing the metallic grates to the lower level.  

_… Hiding in my room, safe within my womb …._

Sian’s body rolled slightly to her right as the mattress dipped, his weight settling into a familiar spot.  Eyes closed tight, her lips and voice continued to move along with the lyrics as if he was not present.

_… I touch no one and no one touches me …._

Warmth.  The familiar brush of callouses against the back of her hand, soothing in the circular patterns ghosting across skin and bone.  Her voice wavered just slightly, enough to indicate reaction.  The barest tightening of his fingers around hers, the hint of hesitation in the movement of his thumb ….

… _I am an iiiiiiiiiiisland …._

“Sian.”

It wasn’t question.  It wasn’t demand.  It simply … was.  

Green eyes popping open, Sian found his and locked onto them.  “Kaidan.”  She flinched as her voice cracked.  God, she sounded pathetic, didn’t she?  

“How … how could she?”  Sian was surprised to hear the words escape past her lips.  Shocked at just how much pain she could hear in the tone.  “How could she just -”

“You know her better than anyone,” he replied quietly.  A non-answer to be sure, and yet the truth.  

“But she should have understood!” Sian insisted, rising into a partly reclined position, her weight upon the elbows at her side.  “Her father was the one who taught _ME_ that the mission always comes first!”

Anger surged through her body then, overpowering despair for the moment.  It was the fuel she needed to push forward into the next moment, and the next.  

“I can’t answer that for you, just as I can’t for her,” he pointed out.  “You both need time.  Space.  Perspective.”  He sighed, hand rising to rub at the back of his neck.  “Hell, you needed a different circumstance for your reunion.”

Sian snorted, rising to her feet.  “Yeah, the Illusive Man all but openly admitted he’d been behind it,” she told him.  “Wanted me to cut any lasting ties or something.”

“I hope you gave him a piece of your mind?”  The look Sian gave him was enough of an answer to the question.  “Good.”

In the background, softly, the song kicked over into repeat.

Running her hands over her face, Sian pushed a few loose strands of hair out of her eyes, sighing.  The rush of adrenaline leaving as quickly as it had arrived, she suddenly felt very drained and leaned her hips against the nearby desk for support.   This wasn’t helping.  She knew that.  But she couldn’t keep the newness of the pain from slicing through her chest like a blade.  Not just yet, anyway.  

“ _Why,_ Kaidan?”  Just slightly more than a whisper, it was loud enough for him to hear even if he hadn’t been watching her closely.  She sounded more desperate than before, even to her own ears.

Sian’s eyes remained on him as he rose and crossed to stand in front of her.  She felt the threat of moisture building in her eyes, but she fought it back, damming them up … until he opened his arms.  A simple gesture, but one that most certainly was a trigger.  Taking refuge in what he offered, Sian accepted that, at least for this moment, he would be a safe harbor for her.  Her island.    

_An island never cries …._

Damn, she was a glutton for punishment.


End file.
